When people play video games, they tend to breeze through any mundane moments just to keep the game moving along. After all, no one wants to spend $60 just to sit around and deal with the regular crap that comes with real life. In the real world, we have to deal with all that regular crap because there are typically pesky laws or social norms that prevent us from doing whatever we feel is easier — or more fun.
The following tactics are generally accepted (and often rewarded) in the gaming world, but would likely land you in a UCMJ hearing if you tried them in the real, boring world.
Stealing vehicles to get somewhere faster
Walking long distances sucks and driving fast is fun. Logically, most gamers would rather ‘borrow’ the random car (or bike or horse) that’s just sitting right there and use it to go on their quest.
There are many games that do this, but the one most famous for it has it in the title — Grand Theft Auto.
Taking whatever you can find
Sometimes, gamers feel compelled to find all the hidden collectibles in order to unlock something. Other times, we just want to stock up on 500 wheels of cheese before we go fight a dragon —because you never know when you might need them.
In the real world, picking up whatever you want is typically considered theft — even if you’re 100-percent certain that the dead guy won’t be using that ammo.
Sleeping wherever, whenever
A lot of games nowadays have a day-and-night mechanic. To make it feel more like “real life,” these games will often offer the player the ability to sleep, healing wounds and passing the time. Usually, you can just tap a button and, theoretically, your character falls asleep on the spot.
While troops may actually have this amazing “sleep wherever, whenever” ability, doing it when you’ve got deadlines to make spells bad news.
Skipping conversations
No one wants to deal with drawn-out cinematics or long strings of dialogue while doing some side quest. When players are given the option to just tap ‘X’ and get it over with, they will.
In the military, you can’t just fast forward through the middle of a conversation with your commander — but we’d like to see someone try.
Sneaking into wherever
You never know what the little corners of a game might be hiding. You might come across a collectible item, pick up some awesome loot, or just find satisfaction in revealing every tiny bit of the map.
Generally speaking, just going into unauthorized areas just to to see if there’s anything cool inside will net you an asschewing.
Destroying everything for the hell of it
Video games tend to reward players for wanton destruction with loot. Remember, suspiciously crumbly wall over there might lead into a cave where old people give out legendary swords.
Sadly, the military doesn’t look too kindly on its troops just randomly blowing crap up. The excuse of “I wanted to see what was behind it” won’t hold up.
Teabagging
There is no more definitive way to prove you’ve beaten someone than by running over top of their dead body and rapidly crouching, as if your manhood was a teabag.
Even if you politely phrase it as “victory crouching,” it’s still getting you sent to the commander’s office.
In the real world, there are plenty of SHARP violations involved with trying that — defeated enemy or not.