This story mentions domestic violence. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), visiting www.thehotline.org, or texting LOVEIS to 22522.
Breanna Smith Powderly remembers the exact moment she knew she needed to end the engagement to her Air Force fiancé for fear of her life.
“It had been weeks of his abuse escalating and turning more and more physical,” Smith Powderly told We Are The Mighty, adding that he used tactics like alienation from friends and family as a means of control.
When Smith Powderly told him she was ending things and returned the engagement ring, he physically restrained her from leaving the house.
“He busted my lip with a forceful kiss saying that he was just trying to ‘love me’ and that’s why he had acted the way he did,” she said.
Eventually, Smith Powderly says he pulled a loaded gun and held it to his head three different times and said if she left, he would shoot himself and it would be her fault.
“I’m not sure how I escaped, but eventually I got out,” she told WATM. “For weeks afterward, he would call my phone for hours at a time and show up at my house unannounced. I always had someone walk me to my car after work, because I was so fearful he would be there waiting for me. He would email me and it would vary between threats and love letters to win me back.”
Smith Powderly’s experience is far from isolated – or new. A 2022 report released by the VA Office of the Inspector General pointed out that intimate partner violence (IPV) is a major concern in military and veteran populations and active duty servicemembers are three times more likely to perpetrate IPV than their civilian counterparts.
“According to a 2018 study, 36% of women and 34% of men experience physical violence, sexual violence or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Those numbers go up for veterans and service members, with some estimates reaching as high as 58%,” the report read.
Elizabeth, whose name has been changed for her privacy and protection, is still haunted by the actions of her father, a now-retired Chief Master Sergeant in the U.S. Air Force, more than 25 years ago.
“I have a vivid memory of cowering in my closet wailing for him to stop,” she told We Are The Mighty. “When he finally let go of my mother’s throat and she fell away from my dresser gasping for air, he came charging toward me. ‘I’ll give you something to cry about,’ – that familiar phrase I heard all too often. He loved to press his forehead against yours while he screamed at you, so you could feel the heat radiating off him, the spittle landing on your face. If you cried or coughed or writhed in pain, it only made it worse. He would accuse you of faking it. You had to be as motionless as possible and just wait for it to end.”
During a therapy appointment, Elizabeth divulged the abuse she endured at home at the hands of her father.
“Then one day I was called into the dining room, where he preferred to do his punishing. ‘You tried to get me fired?!’ he screamed. Word (had) made it back to his commander about what I had said in therapy,” Elizabeth told WATM. “Let’s just say that is the most scared I’ve ever been and that I was never allowed to go back to therapy. Nothing happened to my father that I know of. We stopped speaking as soon as I graduated high school and moved away.”
Elizabeth’s father retired as a decorated Chief Master Sergeant and she says she is “still bitter” that his command leadership protected him.
“I don’t look at him as a war hero the way others do,” she says, reflecting on her childhood. “He viewed and used the military as his only way out of his hometown and away from his abusive stepfather. Unfortunately, I see so many of our service members coming from abusive homes and joining the military as their only option – just to perpetuate the same cycle and get protected by other men just like them. I watch sham services set up to ‘protect’ families fail women and children time and time again. When will enough be enough?”
Amid the case of Mischa Johnson, a pregnant wife of a service member going missing in Hawaii, and a military dependent being found dead inside base housing making headlines this summer, military spouses like Natalie Tocco are speaking out.
She is 5’2”, approximately 170 lbs., and of Filipino descent. She has a large dragon tattoo on her back and was six months pregnant at the time of her disappearance.
Anyone with information is asked to contact the Army CID Pacific Field Office at (808) 208-0559, or via cid.army.mil/tips.
“To be honest it’s been pretty shocking. I (have) never heard about this level of domestic violence and homicide, as we have since we’ve been stationed here,” Tocco, who has been stationed at Schofield Barracks, Hawaii for 10 years, told KHON of the upstick in domestic violence.
Hawaii’s Domestic Violence Action Center CEO Monique Ibarra told KHON that overall calls to their helpline have increased this year, but could not differentiate between civilian and military calls.
“The data for domestic violence or intimate partner violence in our military community is severely limited,” Ibarra explained to the outlet. “And that could be, for a couple of reasons. The way the military collects and shares information.”
It’s not the first time in recent history the way the military reports domestic violence has been called into question. In 2021, survivors of domestic violence told CBS News that the military failed to address the issues, which included dismissal of documented cases of physical and sexual assault. In the wake of the report – which noted roughly 100,000 cases of reported domestic violence since 2015 – military leadership immediately pledged to take action, but two years later, the survivors accused the military of purposeful cover-up and complete failure to take any disciplinary action.
“Individuals who commit domestic violence, who abuse the most intimate relationship(s) — those are individuals that you cannot trust. And those are individuals that simply should not be in the service,” Carol Thompson, a former military prosecutor who represents four survivors of domestic violence at the hands of military service members who are pursuing legal action under the Federal Tort Claims Act, told CBS in December 2023.
Smith Powderly says that when it comes to domestic violence, she wishes people knew how insidious it is.
“We are all so quick to say, ‘I would never let someone treat me like that,’ but it starts out so small and grows like mold. It never begins with a slap to the face – it begins with a comment about not spending time with someone of the opposite gender and you normalize it. Then you’re being controlled and restricted under the guise of ‘love’ and it grows and grows into being called a slut and pushed into the wall – and by then you’re in so deep and so ashamed and almost truly believing that you deserve that treatment.”
Smith Powderly, who says she is thankful to have escaped, says that abusers want you to feel weak and small and alone.
“They want you to believe that this is love and it’s normal and how relationships go. I wish people knew that there is a way out, even if it’s difficult. You’re worthy of healthy love, and it is out there. Getting out of that relationship is the best thing you will ever do for yourself because it’s the start of the rest of your life,” she says.
What should I do if I think my friend is in danger?
If you think a friend is in danger at home, it’s crucial to handle the situation with care and empathy.
Here are seven things you can do if you suspect someone you love is experiencing domestic violence:
1. Listen and Support Without Judgment
- Let your friend know you’re there for them. Offer emotional support by listening to their experiences without passing judgment.
- Be patient. It might take time for them to open up or take action.
2. Encourage Professional Help
- Suggest they contact a domestic violence hotline, counselor, or local advocacy group for support and guidance.
- Offer resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 in the U.S.) or local services that can provide immediate help.
3. Create a Safety Plan
- Help your friend think through a safety plan. This includes identifying a safe place to go, keeping important documents and money in a secure spot, and planning an escape route if they need to leave quickly.
4. Avoid Pressuring Them
- Leaving an abusive relationship is complicated and can be dangerous. Avoid pressuring your friend to leave if they’re not ready, as it can make them feel more isolated or controlled.
5. Check In Regularly
- Stay in touch and let them know they can reach out to you whenever they need to. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares can make a big difference.
6. Document Evidence (If Possible)
- Encourage them to document instances of abuse, whether through photos, messages, or other evidence, if they feel safe doing so. This can help in any potential future legal proceedings.
7. Contact Authorities if Necessary
- If you believe your friend’s life is in immediate danger, or if you witness violence, don’t hesitate to contact law enforcement. Be mindful that this can escalate the situation, so consult with professionals if you’re unsure.