Editor’s note: This article discusses suicide. If you or someone you love is struggling with mental health dial 988 today. Help is ready to assist you.
I never realized how profoundly one person could hurt until the night my father took his own life. That moment shattered our family and transformed my understanding of love and loss. My mother, little sister and I were in the house when it happened. We heard the events unfold, and I’ll never forget that night – it was the worst night of my life.
When the sheriff came to our door, I remember my mother’s face, the way her eyes filled with disbelief as she told me my dad was gone. I cried uncontrollably, feeling as if I couldn’t breathe. The weight of that moment left us all reeling. My mother didn’t know how we would get through this, how we would live without him.
My dad was a proud Navy veteran. He served his country with honor, but after returning home, he struggled in ways that we didn’t fully understand. The transition from military life to civilian life can be incredibly difficult, and I now see how those battles—both external and internal—shaped him. Sometimes, the devil’s voice can drown out the whispers of hope. Yet, through this unimaginable pain, I leaned on my faith. I’ve learned that asking for help can be one of the hardest things to do, but it’s essential. You can’t make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings. The hurt is immense, and I feel an emptiness inside that’s hard to articulate. I never realized how much my dad meant to me until he was gone. I miss him deeply and wish I could talk to him again.
Every day brings reminders of him, whether it’s a color, a song, or a simple object that sparks a memory. It’s okay to feel these emotions; it’s healthier to confront them than to bury them deep inside. My dad and I had a wonderful relationship—I could talk to him about anything without fear of judgment. He taught me how to handle life’s challenges, and I wish he were here to guide me now.
The loss of a loved one can lead to thoughts that spiral into darkness, making you believe that those left behind would be better off without you. But that’s simply not true. Every person has a purpose, and God put each of us here for a reason. We must hold onto that belief.
In the months since my dad passed, I’ve grappled with intense feelings of betrayal and loneliness. People say suicide is a selfish act, but they don’t understand the pain that drives someone to such a decision. If I could have one superpower, it would be the ability to understand that pain—to know what someone is going through.
While some say time heals all wounds, I believe that the pain doesn’t go away; it becomes more manageable. I find solace in the hope that one day I will see my dad again. This hope is what keeps me going, and I want him to be proud of me.
I often reflect on my relationship with my dad and the regrets that linger. Arguments, misunderstandings—they all seem trivial now. If I could have just five more minutes with him, I would tell him I love him, I miss him and I want him back. I would hug him tightly, and despite the tears, I would smile because I would be with him again.
Living without him feels like a daily struggle, and I know I need time to heal. We must surround ourselves with those who uplift us and let go of those who bring us down, regardless of how long we’ve known them. It’s a hard truth, but it’s necessary for our well-being.
Sometimes I think about milestones in my life, like walking down the aisle, and I feel a void where my dad should be. Yet, I remind myself that he’s still with me in spirit. I talk to him and to God regularly. There are days when I want to be alone, and others when I lean on friends and family for support.
Parents are meant to protect their children, to guide them. My dad caused me pain in ways I never thought possible, yet I love him more than anyone else. He shaped who I am today, and I will always cherish the lessons he taught me.
Though he is no longer here, his love remains in my heart, and I strive to honor his memory by living fully. The issue of veteran suicide is heartbreaking and impacts countless families like mine. Those left behind experience a profound pain, one that can feel insurmountable. But I want to emphasize that every life matters. If you are struggling, know that you are worth fighting for. There is hope, and you are not alone in this fight.
To anyone who is struggling, remember that love transcends loss. You are never truly alone, and there is always hope, even in the darkest moments. Let’s work together to support those in need and prevent more tragedies like the one I’ve experienced.
Brenleigh Lack is a 13-year-old student. She lives with her mother and sister and is passionate about veterans issues, mental health and preventing suicide.