Tonya Murphy has always been vocal about what is right and wrong while constantly fighting for justice, even as a child. Her tenacity and courage became a mission to serve the military community.
“I’ve always spoken up for others, even to the detriment of myself,” she laughed.
Murphy recalled a time in middle school when a transfer student (whose first language wasn’t English) realized she had forgotten her backpack inside the school as the bus was prepared to depart. Though the driver let her go inside to get it, after a few minutes he closed the doors and attempted to leave the young girl behind.
“He told me to sit down, and I refused. I told him, ‘You need to keep your word. I will not sit down,’ and I stood up. I got in-school suspension for it, got into all this trouble and I wasn’t sorry,” she shared. “Being a very vocal Black teenage girl in Oklahoma, there were times when people told me I shouldn’t be. I challenged that. Why not? Why can’t I be?” Murphy said.
Murphy wasn’t having it; it’s a story that has repeated itself throughout her life as she advocates for doing what’s right.
“We have our power and we do as much as we can, but there comes a point a lot of times where we hit a wall, and you have to have somebody who is willing to stand up. Someone who will stand beside you and speak up to amplify your message to really get over those obstacles,” Murphy explained. “I’m very lucky and blessed to be in a position through my life experience, through my husband and his life experience, to use my voice for those who can’t.”
During her junior and senior years of high school, Murphy attended a boarding school in Oklahoma that specializes in math and sciences. Though a confident teenager, she admitted she was out of her element. But she met her future husband in those halls. The couple got engaged in early September 2001. They had a two-year engagement while completing their schooling. Murphy earned her bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in counseling at Washington University.
Just a month later, he was a Navy submarine officer, and she was a military spouse.
“I found I was pregnant with our first as we were on our way to Charleston for him to start his pipeline training,” Murphy said. “What’s interesting about me is that I really am okay on my own. I love my husband, and we’re a team, but when he’s gone, I’m okay. I didn’t love deployments, but I had my oldest with me. He’s like my road dog and has done it all with me!”
Murphy laughingly recalled “making friends online” in the early days. An Army spouse she’d never met until years later was an emergency contact and stayed with her after a long-distance friendship, something that “freaked my mom out.”
“There’s so much value in connection and in community and finding your people and not just finding them but holding on to them,” she shared. “There’s a lot of movement happening and a lot of transition within this life. But there’s beauty in all, too.”
For a long time, Murphy identified as a professional volunteer, something many military spouses do. She credits a three-year tour in Guam during her early 30s as pivotal in finding her identity and security in who she was.
“I learned how to show up as myself in every space, not who I thought I was expected to be, not who I thought other people wanted me to be; but just who I am. That for me was a huge transition into just owning my power—the power of authenticity and the power of being yourself. With that came the opportunity to just be ourselves and tell ourselves to speak our truths and live our truths,” Murphy explained. “A lot of that came through storytelling and just sharing stories. My husband is white, so we have had a very different experience transitioning through our military service than a couple who is Black or a couple who is white. That interracial dynamic brings a whole different vibe to things; everything from how we were treated in the hospital in Charleston when I was pregnant with my son to living in Memphis as an interracial couple.”
Murphy found herself educating Women of Color on certain duty stations. She shared that in Italy, for example, women of Eastern European and African descent are trafficked at a higher rate.
“I had the unfortunate experience of being sexually assaulted in Italy. What I learned was that the military didn’t have protections in place for dependents like they do for the members. For minors, it’s even worse,” she shared. “These are policies that families don’t know. When we talk about advocacy, it’s telling these stories. It’s being the voice for people to tell these stories when they can’t, because sometimes it’s really hard. That’s a lot of vulnerability to say, ‘This happened to me or this happened to my child,’ and not everybody wants to do that.”
Murphy was chosen to be part of the first cohort of deployed fellows for Blue Star Families.
“I got to learn the development side of the house while I was there through working with some of the other members of the team. I found out that though I had always done kind of programmatic engagement, the things I really enjoy are relationship building, which is not a surprise given my background in mental health,” she added.
While attending a webinar hosted by the Travis Manion Foundation, she fell in love with the mission of helping families of the fallen. By 2022, she was applying for a position and was hired as the Director of Corporate & Foundation Partnerships.
After coming off a long “geobatch” season and getting her oldest settled in college, Murphy was looking to add something to her life. With a passion for advocacy and storytelling, it should come as no surprise. “I’m working with a friend of mine, Courtney Mitchell, on launching a podcast called Gather at Gray. We want gray to be a space where you kind of come in and you’re a little bit in the in-between of military life. You may find your footing again and you get through that and find somebody while you’re sitting there to be next to and go, ‘This is some bullshit,’” she laughed. “Everybody needs that person. Everybody needs their support that helps them get through the hard times and celebrates the wins, and we want to help create that space and share those stories.”
As for what she would say to those struggling to find their place or voice, it was profound.
“The first thing we have to do whenever we feel stuck is just stop and take a breath. Sometimes we’re so busy running so hard after what we want and need that we don’t allow ourselves that grace in space to just pause,” Murphy said. “After that, look to your left and your right and see who can help you get where you want to be. None of us do this on our own. Nothing is accomplished by solo effort. It’s teamwork, and it’s finding somebody else who can amplify your message. I think that’s so important; building community, network and connection—that is what gets us through.”
You can learn more about the Travis Manion Foundation here.