8 ridiculous lines we fully expect to see in this year’s Valentine’s Safety Brief

In company footprints all over the world, America’s finest are about to endure the Valentine’s Day safety brief—COVID-19 edition. We can only imagine what potential threats are being discussed at Battalion and what the subsequential government issued safety standards will be. Here to give you a rise (wink) is our projected list of what to expect.   

1. No, your go-to dancer does not count as “shelter in place” partners. 
   It has come to our attention that many of you have taken up the recommendation of the Dutch and found a COVID “partner” for sexual activity. Despite your belief of being her “only one” we have intel that suggests otherwise.  

2. No, we will not tell your wife you are in “special quarantine” this weekend.
   Despite your best efforts, we will not cover for any of you claiming quarantine this weekend as a “hall pass.” To the three of you who already tried, please see medical for a rapid COVID test, results of which will be mailed directly to your spouses. Happy Valentine’s Day.
   
3. No, we will not clarify what does/does not count as a mask or “face covering” this weekend. 
   For the love of God, please quit sending reference pictures asking if “this” counts. We do not want to know. 

4. Previous contact tracing has led us to temporarily blacklist a local dancer by the name of (bleep). 
   Sergeants Davis, Fong and Private Richard please report to medical following this briefing for a “completely unrelated” and “routine “medical test. 

5. Yes, group gatherings are still against regulations this weekend. 
   Again, we will not clarify the meaning of this. 

6. Your chem gear is to be used for military-related chem incidents…only. 
   We do not want to know why several of you have made loss claims lately. 

7. The Commander’s earlier email about remaining six feet apart was not to be interpreted as a challenge. 
   The proximity suggested in today’s email was in no way a reference or challenge for intimate affairs, please do not reference the email in relation to your chosen activity’s proximity. 

8. Claiming you didn’t know it was him/her because of masks will still be considered fraternization.
   We’re looking at you Drill Sergeants!

After reading the Valentine’s Day safety briefs that most people will ignore, make another good choice and shop for Valentine’s day gifts created by veteran entrepreneurs.