I get it. I understand having to explain to your non-military affiliated friends how things work on this side of the fence. I am in no way diminishing the experiences and challenges military families face. While many of the situations and difficulties we face aren’t exclusive to military life, you’ll have a hard time finding another community that has to face them all at once. I’m also not saying you should not get involved in the milfamily community. I have met countless wonderful people who have helped me both personally and professionally, so you should definitely get involved.
With that being said, eventually, the service member will leave the military. When that happens, you will no longer be a military spouse. Your way of life will change, and with that change will come new challenges. One of the biggest for many is an identity shift.
I’m sure we all know someone who seems to base their entire identity on one thing. In my world, most of the people who fit that bill are the gym rats. Everything they do has to revolve around fitness or the gym in some way. They’ll never miss an opportunity to let everyone in the room know they work out… a lot. You know the type too, everywhere they go they wear gym clothes. They always have to give long explanations about the food they eat.. when no one asked.
It’s me. I’m “they.”
But seriously, it gets old for me and I work in the fitness industry. When I left my career as a first responder, I was faced with an identity change too. After so many years of being a first responder, I was now a “regular person” again. It finally came to a head when a friend said, “We get it man, but that part of your life is over. It’s time to move on.” It was very embarrassing to be called out like that, but necessary. I was hanging on to an identity that was no longer relevant. My life was going in a different direction, I needed to embrace it and move on.
As a first responder near a major military installation, I would speak to countless veterans and retirees who had such a difficult time finding themselves after separation. Do you know who else had a hard time? Their spouses. Everyone talks about veterans dealing with identity issues after leaving the military, and they do. But what about their husbands and wives? Many of them lose much of themselves, as well — especially the ones who relied heavily on identifying as a military spouse.
So what can you do? Well for starters, get involved in at least two hobbies. One hobby should be physically active like cycling, disc golf, swimming, etc. The other hobby should be something more relaxing, something like woodworking, drawing, painting, model building, etc. When combined, these hobbies will promote better physical and mental health. As a bonus, try to find groups dedicated to these hobbies. This will allow you to be involved in communities outside of the military. I have made countless friends through groups like this, friends who will still be around long after my wife hangs up her uniform.
Another thing that is never a bad time to work on is professional development. With all of the educational opportunities available to military families, it’s quite hard to justify not pursuing some type of education. That may look like technical certifications, business education courses or even a full-blown college degree. With so many careers and courses available virtually these days, it is much easier to plan for your future after military life. Some of these resources, however, have a catch. Many require certain criteria to be met before you can take full advantage. Things like rank, household income, and location are factors in many of these programs. Because of this, it is important to check for which programs you may qualify.
Finding yourself again can be scary. Finding new routines, new hobbies, new jobs, and new friends are all difficult enough by themselves. Now add them together and it becomes easy to see why so many have difficulty moving on. I encourage other military spouses to keep this in mind. Get your own hobbies, plan for your own career, and seek out educational opportunities for your future. I know options are limited in this world, but get started now. Because at the end of the day, you are so much more than just a “milspouse.”