Do you know what it’s like to try to explain to a 3-year-old why he has so few playdates? To have them beg you to play with other children? I do. There have been times I have cruised around searching the local base parks for kids his age playing, hoping they stay long enough for my son to enjoy himself.
My name is Toby, I am a male military spouse… but more importantly, I’m a dad.
I was nearly 30 when my wife and I got married. I had spent all of my twenties building a career as a first responder. Knowing one of us would have to give up their job, we decided that I would change careers so my wife could continue hers. It’s a decision I do not regret, but that doesn’t mean it’s been easy – especially going from having a full-time job to being a freelancer who takes care of the kids.
At first, the transition seemed quite a bit easier than expected. I immediately began working on my new career as a fitness professional. One of the difficulties started to rear its ugly head when my young son became old enough to want to play with kids his age. You see, being a male “stay at home” parent already presents challenges in a society that is still largely hanging on to outdated gender roles. Now add to that the challenges faced by military spouses and service members, and you can see how things can begin to pile up.
One thing I never imagined having a hard time doing was helping my son make friends. It’s not that he has a hard time with other children, quite the opposite. It’s that setting up playdates with other parents turned out to be a nightmare. Most of the parents bringing their children to the parks are moms. They seemed to be great people… with whom I had nothing in common. I would try my hardest to hold a conversation but it would always very quickly become apparent we had little to discuss. It’s not their fault, you just can’t force what isn’t there. All of that I can handle.
What I never expected was the amount of canceled play dates. Many of them just not showing up. Trying to explain to a kid why their friends weren’t showing up is not something anyone can prepare you for. I would always offer to exchange information in hopes that the kids could play again. Half the time friend requests were ignored. The other half, my messages were left on read. So many times I had to hold back tears when I was asked, “Daddy, where is my friend? When are they coming to the park?” I knew they weren’t coming. It got so bad I stopped telling him that other children were coming, just so he wouldn’t be crushed in the all too common event they didn’t show.
It’s not my place to speculate on why this happened so frequently. All I know is my son suffered because of it. Any parent, mom or dad, can understand how difficult it is to feel almost helpless as that little voice asks why, unable to understand it’s not their fault. To them, it just seems like no one wants to play with them.
I will say that this story does have a bit of a happy ending. My son is now in school and we’ve been able to make some friends who have wonderful children. He gets plenty of play time these days. Still, I run into many men who have faced or are currently facing this very struggle.
My why in this space has always been for the boys and bringing awareness to the exclusion we face every day. Most of us can handle it. Our kids, however, shouldn’t have to.