In the days leading up to my husband’s first deployment, I remember him commenting that he was excited; he was ready to deploy. First, I must admit, I was crushed. How could he be excited to deploy? Wouldn’t he miss me? I distinctly remember that we were not on the same page. He had trained for months (if not years) to prepare for this mission. He was ready to deploy. As a spouse, I didn’t receive training, and emotionally I was not ready for the months to come.
The Deployment READINESS Training
Each deployment presents new challenges, yet the mindset for leading up to each deployment remains the same… READINESS.
If you have trained for a sport or enjoyed an instructor-led fitness program you may have heard the phrase, “It doesn’t get easier, you get STRONGER!” Much like a fitness program, lessons learned from previous deployments helped me create a framework to prepare myself for the unique circumstances surrounding each deployment. READINESS was a term I embraced, and it was my survival tool.
Read the Room. Everyone is not on the same page at the same time. This will be true for your children, fellow spouses, and even your own spouse. Each person’s emotional journey is different over the course of a deployment. Some days you will need a shoulder to cry on, and others you will be the shoulder to cry on.
Expectation Management. There is an ebb and flow to every relationship. Over the past 23 years, there have been times when my husband and I shared a 50/50 partnership and other times when it was 30/70. You may have to give 95% during a deployment and your spouse may only be able to give 5%. Even on the days when I was most frustrated, I kept the mindset that his job was to complete his mission safely so he could come home.
Allow time for yourself. Whether you can make time for yourself every day or only once a week, it’s important to make yourself a priority.
Develop an Emergency Binder. You cannot predict when an emergency will happen. I certainly did not! I cannot express how valuable my emergency binder became during a mandatory evacuation. My emergency binder had all the legal documentation that we prepared prior to my husband’s departure. It also had information for our finances, household billing, insurance information, command contacts, and the Red Cross procedures for an Emergency Red Cross Message.
Identify a Goal. My goals for each deployment were very different. I always had at least one goal for myself ranging from fitness goals to DIY projects or learning how to use my DSLR camera, or advancing my professional skills and credentials.
Negate the Need to One-Up. This one may be one of the most difficult and can partner with Read the Room. When I think back on the times I had a flat tire or a leaking roof, my husband was out of town. Navigating these situations can be frustrating and are often a topic of discussion when spouses get together. I have been in a room when someone was venting their frustrations only to have someone else compare how their situation was far worse. In these situations, it’s okay to be the listener. Today you might be the shoulder to cry on!
Establish a Routine. A routine is what will keep you (and your children) going! Be flexible when planning your routine. Evaluate what support structures you will need to have in place. Keep in mind, what worked last deployment may not work this deployment. Once you have a plan, begin implementing the logistics prior to your spouse’s departure. Keep in mind, your spouse’s departure is a big adjustment. Easing into new schedules, roles, and responsibilities allows all family members to make small changes over time, rather than changing everything all at once.
Stay Connected. Communication has come a long way; however, connectivity varies depending on the type of deployment. If communication is limited, the family can make cards or care packages prior to departure. Small items, such as cards and pictures, can be packed in your spouse’s luggage. Your spouse can prepare by leaving items for each family member to open over the course of the deployment.
Stay Busy … in a good way. A spouse once asked me, “Don’t you miss your husband when you take trips without him?” Of course I did! I always wished he were with us, but I also knew that planning trips made time go by. Smaller activities also keep us busy, such as monthly ice cream celebrations or a Hershey Kiss countdown jar to mimic a “good night kiss” from dad.
At the end of the day, we all count down the days until we can be reunited with our loved one! When that day happens… you WILL be stronger!