“I’m fine.”
I said it to myself. I was practicing because any time someone saw my dark circles, mismatched socks, and just the general unrest about my person, I knew I was going to get the question. This question is a question that all military spouses dread, and most of us answer the same way.
“Hey, how are you doing?”
The correct answer is always, “I’m fine,” or “Everything is great.” We do this because we know that this is a polite conversation starter and not an authentic inquiry into how we’re actually doing. We know the person is well-meaning and usually just trying to be polite. I learned this lesson the hard way when I accidentally answered honestly.
“How are you doing?” Choking back tears, I forced myself to say, “Everything is terrible. I’m so tired, I’m so frustrated, and I’m so incredibly lonely.” I’ll never forget the look of shock on the woman’s face as she stared blankly at me. I responded quickly with, “I’m just kidding. Everything is great,” and I moved along to my seat.
Here’s what I want us to know.
We don’t always know what we need, and we don’t always know who to ask, but I have found that asking for support and help is essential.
Know What You Need
In a long journey of self-discovery, I have found that I have three predominant phases that usually decline into chaos if I don’t get help.
Phase One: I’m generally unmotivated, sluggish and slightly fatigued. I still get things done, but small tasks start to slip through the cracks. I might miss an appointment or forget an important task. I’m frustrated and a little irritable. In that moment, I need encouragement, and someone needs to make sure I eat. On days like that, my mom or my best friend will have coffee delivered to my house or DoorDash me some Chick-fil-A. It’s a tangible need that helps me stay on task and focused on days when I’m a little overdone.
Phase Two: I’m having a difficult time getting out of bed, and I’m actively avoiding my responsibilities. Dishes are stacking up in the sink, clutter piles are beginning to form, and the day is getting away from me. My routine is almost completely off track. On these days, I need a body double. I need someone to come over and throw a load of laundry into the washing machine or load my dishwasher. I need someone to stand in my kitchen with me as I make dinner. I just need some company and accountability to get things done. It doesn’t hurt if they bring French fries.
Phase Three (DEFCON 1): I’m underneath a weighted blanket, eating a Chipotle burrito, and making no direct eye contact with anyone around me. At this phase, I am incapable of doing anything that requires “people pants” or a regular bra. I don’t want to do any of the things, and I’m so overwhelmed by the amount of responsibilities I have that I am paralyzed. So I watch reruns of my favorite sci-fi show Firefly, and in that moment, what I really need is someone to help figure out a strategy to tackle the mess. I need someone else to help me strategically use my executive function to figure out where I should start and what I should do next.
Know Who to Ask
Knowing what I need helps me to know who I can ask.
I did learn I cannot ask the random church lady to come over and kick my couch laundry out of the way or to show up with my favorite coffee, but I could ask my neighbor down the street who has a meaningful connection with me. I might not be able to ask my neighbor to send me DoorDash gift cards or drop off Chick-fil-A, but I could ask my mom or a family friend. I might not ask my mom or family friend to drive 17 hours to my home to help me figure out how to tackle my day, but I could call my closest friend or my spouse.
I can ask for the things I need from the people I know who care.
If we could master the ability to ask for help when we need it and advocate for the things that would make us functional, we would do better in the long run, and I think we would feel less isolated and alone. Here’s the key: We need to do a better job of evaluating what it is we actually need and knowing who we can ask so that we can feel supported, encouraged, included, and successful.
Silence isn’t strength. It’s time to break the silence and ask for the help we need—because we deserve more than just survival.
Military life often teaches us to stay strong, to handle everything on our own, and to push through no matter what. But strength doesn’t mean staying silent. True strength comes from recognizing when we need help and being brave enough to ask for it. It’s time for us to find our voices, to advocate for ourselves, and to ask for the support we deserve. Because we are worth more than just getting by—we deserve to feel supported and served.