The uniform comes off, but the challenges don’t. When it’s time to step into civilian life, three things will keep you up at night: family, career and the bottom line.

Our two older children really bore the brunt of frequent moves, deployments and long separations in a unique way. My oldest daughter stepped into a co-parent role and got really involved with helping me with the two younger children. My oldest son, on the other hand, put an immense amount of pressure on himself and began stressing over how he could make our family lives easier. In the same way, our younger children had the distinct pleasure of being raised by a parent in survival mode and extreme fatigue. Ultimately, the added responsibilities, pressure, and internalized thoughts and feelings created a significant amount of disconnection in our family. The experience of looking back through the halls of time was sort of like observing a city block that was hit by a tornado. There is damage everywhere, debris lying around, and we were left wondering where we were supposed to start rebuilding.

Additionally, all of the conversations around career opportunities and possible job tracks were exhausting. Not to mention, the job talks were all tied to the money conversations (or the lack thereof). These three war wounds—the family ache, the career choices and the family funds—seemed to be the only three things we could focus on.

Three things, three nightmares. The transition trifecta can make even the most battle-hardened veterans feel like rookies again. Let’s break it down, one headache at a time.

Getting Reconnected

I never could have guessed that high school wrestling would be the thing that saved our family. My husband, Keith, started coaching as a volunteer on our kid’s high school wrestling team last year, and the result was a gift we didn’t even know we needed. Keith wrestled in high school himself, and when my oldest son joined the local team, we were excited for him. One Saturday, we attended a wrestling meet, and something phenomenal happened. While our son was on the mat, my husband came alive. He was jumping out of his seat, shouting from the stands, and yelling moves to try. His eyes lit up, and the energy was high. I looked over at him and said, “Who is this guy? I have never seen you so thrilled about anything. You should coach.”

He volunteered for a year, and the connections we were able to build as a family were so precious. At the end of the season, our oldest daughter was competing for the number three spot at the state level. When she pinned her opponent, she sprang up from the mat and sprinted into my husband’s arms. As he swung her around, cheering, I could feel tears streaming down my face. I was so grateful for their reconnection and their ability to celebrate together. We hadn’t realized just how many of these moments we had missed and now found ourselves so thankful for these sweet connections. Finding something our entire family could rally around and enjoy together was a huge piece of our joy and ability to cope with the retirement transition. You may not have wrestling, but is there a hobby your entire family can get behind? Whether it’s fishing, dedicating one night a week to a game night, or even something as small as finding a television show you all can watch, seeking that connection is key for any family.

What will we do now? 

Beginning the conversations around career transitions was probably the most frustrating and difficult for the two of us. I think I was frustrated by the frequency of conversations around “I could do this” or “I could do that” when I had not been able to successfully navigate a conversation around my own career for years. Resentment was creeping in, and I had to check my emotions as we approached these conversations. The pressure and stress around finding a new career while also attempting to figure out how my career would fit into the puzzle was a hard task for sure.

I found myself desiring some consistency and the ability to “leave work at work.” Specifically, I asked my husband to take a job that did not require us to build our lives around it—no more travel for extended periods, weird hours or shifts, or the requirement for me to continue serving as the primary parent. “I’m so extremely tired,” I confessed. I wanted to build something different.

When you are approaching these conversations, it is important to determine what kind of life you want, not just the job. And while money can be a factor, it shouldn’t be the only factor. Count the actual costs and enter the conversation from a place of knowing what you want daily life to look like.

The Elephant in the Room: The Finances

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room—the debt, the stress, and the disappointment of not quite being where you want to be financially. When my husband and I were early in our marriage, we talked often about having all of our debt paid off by retirement—having an investment property, owning our cars outright, and having no revolving debt. Yeah… that did not happen.

While we managed to pay off our cars, one was totaled and the other needed more work than it was worth. We ended up buying newer cars four years before retirement, and we have two brand-new, shiny payments. An investment property? Not quite. While we did get a great deal on our home before the market went crazy in 2020, we have lost money on two houses because of military orders. I have counted that we have owned nine—yes, nine—sets of washers and dryers. As it turns out, every time you pack and move, stuff tends to break. A good friend of mine says it this way, “It is really expensive to be broke.”

We truly thought we would be much more stable at this stage of the game, but we are finding that the E-1 energy of coupon clipping and stretching dollars is staying put for the time being. I really wish we would have tried harder, planned better, and used more of the resources available to us over the years. We aren’t down and out or impoverished; we just aren’t as comfortable as we thought we’d be at this stage, and therefore the stress around missing paychecks and securing jobs is certainly higher.

Ultimately, when you’re entering into the transition out of the military and into retirement, start with looking at these issues well ahead of time. Assess how connected you are, how many opportunities or career options are realistic, and discuss how to prepare for the future. Transition isn’t just about leaving the service; it’s about rebuilding a life that was put on hold for two decades. And that takes planning, patience and a lot of honest conversations.