Infertility Memoir: ‘I was too afraid to move’

Julie Eshelman Avatar
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This is Chapter 12 in the Infertility Memoir. Read previous chapters here.

As we approached Thanksgiving 2023, I was juggling the stress and anxiety of a progesterone shortage, which is a much-needed medication for helping to sustain pregnancy, and at the same time, a drastic increase in morning sickness. For some reason, Bonjesta a morning sickness medication commonly prescribed after trying over-the-counter remedies without success, is not covered by TRICARE. I ran into the same issue in 2020 when I was pregnant with my daughter and it was weeks before I could get relief because my doctors couldn’t understand why this safe and effective morning sickness medication wasn’t covered. They were hesitant to prescribe Zofran even at a lower dosage because it comes with risks and side effects. However, TRICARE will cover Zofran, and this time around at least I knew all this and could speed up the process. I really didn’t have time to be sick and nauseous while caring for my toddler. 

By the end of the first week of December, I was exhausted, nauseous and feeling like a terrible mom for using the TV to entertain my daughter. TRICARE finally approved my prescription for Zofran so I could get some relief from the morning sickness. While it helped a lot there were times when the nausea was still pretty bad. I was starting to feel more confident about this pregnancy despite my paranoia about not being able to follow the same post-embryo transfer medication protocols because of the progesterone shortage. Then out of nowhere, I started bleeding.

I was only nine weeks pregnant. We had graduated from the fertility clinic, but I hadn’t had my first appointment with my OB yet. So I called my OB’s office to see what they wanted me to do. My gut reaction was definitely fear, but at the same time, I tried to reassure myself that some bleeding can be normal. I’m also glad I called because they wanted me to go to the ER and when I told them which ER was closest to where we lived they informed me that the hospital does not have any OB or maternity services. The closest hospital was just over an hour away. Then I had to call my husband at work to tell him what was going on. 

He dropped everything, came and got me and my daughter, and off we went to the ER. It felt like the longest car ride of my life. I was so afraid that we were going to lose the baby and that everything that we had been through the last year would bring us just more heartbreak. When we finally got to the hospital we were pleasantly surprised at how quickly we were taken back to a room while we waited for a doctor. I remember them working very quickly, and I was so relieved when I realized that the bleeding had stopped. Shortly after, the ER doctor performed an ultrasound and deemed our baby was healthy they quickly discharged us with instructions to follow up with my OB at our already scheduled appointment. 

We felt relieved that our baby was okay, and silly for wasting the ER staff’s time when they really couldn’t do anything. I tried to brush it off and focus on the upcoming holidays, after all, we had our first gathering with some of my family for the first time in a long time. My dad’s family hadn’t done anything for Christmas in a very long time so getting together with them was something I was looking forward to. However, during the drive to my cousin’s house, I wondered if the Zofran would kick in because we weren’t ready to tell people, especially after our scare earlier in the week. It was also hard to dodge the unavoidable questions about when are we going to have another baby. In the end, it was a much-needed day with extended family, many we had not seen in years. It helped take my mind off everything from the week before.

The following week I had my first OB appointment. My doctor advised “pelvic rest” after reviewing the notes from my ER visit and referred me to Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM). While she was doing the ultrasound she also noted that I had a small uterine fibroid that didn’t appear to be interfering with the pregnancy or baby. I wasn’t surprised by her findings because when I was pregnant with my daughter, MFM had also found small uterine fibroids, and they didn’t impact that pregnancy. She really didn’t seem concerned, and my confidence and excitement for the pregnancy was growing. 

Later that night my husband and I decided that we were ready to tell our immediate family on Christmas that we were expecting. Plus I knew it would be hard to hide the morning sickness during our celebrations. We went and got my daughter a “sister” t-shirt for her to wear on Christmas morning to help us make our announcement. Everyone was so excited, and we were feeling more confident as we approached the end of our first trimester. 

Since we had told our immediate family, we decided to host a board game New Year’s Eve party, inviting my sisters. I wouldn’t have to hide any morning sickness or answer questions about why I wasn’t drinking, plus we love playing board games. We had a great night, and shortly after ringing in the New Year, we all headed to bed knowing that my daughter would have us up bright and early. I had a hard time falling asleep because there were fireworks and lots of commotion still happening as the night was winding down.

Around 1:00 a.m., while everyone else was seemingly asleep, I suddenly felt a huge gush that I could only assume was blood. I was lying in bed, and I felt frozen. I was too afraid to move, tears streaming down my face, just knowing this wasn’t a good sign. Terrified of what I would find, I made my way to the bathroom. Confirmed that it was blood, noted the time, put on a pad, and prayed for the baby to be okay and for the bleeding to stop. Then I got back in bed, trying to cry as silently as I could so I didn’t wake my husband.

I knew that we likely needed to go to the ER, but it was New Year’s Eve and it was snowing. Also floating in the back of my mind that New Year’s is one of the deadliest weekends for vehicle accidents. Add all of that up and that’s not the ideal time to get into a car for over an hour to go to the ER. Plus I didn’t want to wake up the entire house after a late night. I felt helpless, alone, and scared that I was losing our baby. 

After our daughter woke up and subsequently woke up the entire house I told my husband and sisters what was going on. We headed to the ER and as the bleeding intensified and I was experiencing some mild cramping. Once again, we were taken back to a room in the ER almost immediately, which was nice and allowed me to be more comfortable. As the ER doctor performed an ultrasound I was so relieved to see our baby’s heartbeat. They told us to follow up with my OB the next day and sent us home. I couldn’t help but feel like I was the girl who cried wolf. 

The next day I went to my OB’s office for what was originally scheduled as a virtual intake appointment but was changed to an ultrasound visit. My OB said everything was fine, the baby looked healthy, and I should continue pelvic rest. I asked if I should be on bed rest since when I had a bleed when I was pregnant with my daughter that was what they did. She didn’t seem to think that bed rest was necessary. I tried to relax and take comfort in her words, and definitely felt better the bleeding had stopped. But it was really hard to relax when every time I went to the bathroom I was terrified I would find blood. 

Ten days later I had my first appointment with MFM because I was considered a high-risk pregnancy for multiple reasons, including being characterized as a geriatric pregnancy (anyone over 35). I also was a risk for developing gestational diabetes since I had it with my last pregnancy. During my appointment, they diagnosed me with a subchorionic bleed and thought that was the cause of my previous vaginal bleeding. I remember the doctor saying that these are common in IVF pregnancies and they usually heal on their own. She also added that these bleeds rarely cause problems. I felt relieved. It also helped that MFM appointments usually include very detailed in-depth scans, which means lots of peeks at the baby. 

Being able to see the baby is always reassuring and usually helps me feel hopeful. During my appointment at MFM, the doctor also said that she didn’t think I needed full bed rest, but that I should try limiting lifting anything over 10 pounds. In my mind, I thought, “Yeah, right, tell a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year-old not to lift anything over 10 pounds; in what world is that realistic?” I went home feeling hopeful, and my husband and I came up with a plan for me to scale back at home so I could rest more. The next morning around 5:30 and at 13.5 weeks pregnant I woke up to heavy bleeding, and right away, again I feared the worst.