This is Chapter 10 in the Infertility Memoir. Read previous chapters here.
At the same time we were embarking on the next chapter of our family-building journey in late 2022, I was also at another critical juncture in my life. I was finally finishing my bachelor’s degree after a 10-year hiatus, continuing to volunteer with RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day planning, and launching the first peer-led military infertility support group with RESOLVE. There was a series of events that changed the trajectory of my life, and starting this support group was definitely one of them.
For a long time, six years to be exact, I felt frustrated by the lack of support for our military community around family-building challenges. I kept waiting for an organization to step up and fill that gap, and I was getting tired of watching so many military families struggle alone. It’s not that the support groups that were already out there were bad, they just didn’t understand all the other things we face as military families. I knew an organization that understood the time crunch when you are facing a year-long deployment, or you’ve moved three times in the last five years was needed to support the community. I was already volunteering with this amazing organization on the advocacy side, and one day I took a leap of faith and said it was time for me to do something. So I did, and as I approached my graduation I was also planning and advertising a new support group to support military-connected individuals facing infertility. Almost two years later I still host that support group at RESOLVE, and I know it has made a positive impact on our community.
As I approached the spring of 2023 I was still communicating back and forth with my new clinic trying to ensure they had everything they needed to make their determination on whether or not they could accept our embryos from our clinic in Illinois. Our doctor made it sound like this would be easy; she knew my doctor in Illinois and both clinics operated under U.S. Fertility, meaning they used all the same protocols and operated similarly. It was anything but easy.
I can clearly remember being asked to provide information to our new clinic, which I thought I had already done. After all, I had sent over my medical records which were well over 250 pages. I called my Illinois clinic and asked if they could send over specific results. This sweet lady on the other end of the phone explained that all of that was in my records that had been sent over in December. When she realized that they were using me as a go between, she pulled up my records and went through it with me. She provided me with all the page numbers to give to my new clinic so they could find what they were looking for. Then at the end of the call, she apologized that my new clinic was giving me the runaround. She stated that this was all very unnecessary because both clinics are U.S. Fertility clinics and do everything the same. There wasn’t a need to make me go through all these verification steps. My frustration was about to boil over.
I was frustrated and angry at this process, and deep down I knew that we couldn’t be the only military family experiencing something like this. With every month that passed I knew that we were one month closer to moving again. We entered into our time in Pennsylvania knowing that we would only be there for two years and knew that IVF transfers weren’t a guarantee that we would bring home a baby. I was worried that we would run out of time. As we got closer to RESOLVE’s 2023 Advocacy Day I saw another Facebook post that would change my life.
I had kept waiting for someone to start an organization or for one of the current military organizations to branch out into supporting the family-building community, but there just wasn’t one doing the things I knew were needed. So when the Second Service Foundation announced that they were hosting a pitch competition at the Military Spouse of the Year Townhall, I knew in my heart what needed to be done. I needed to start the organization our community needed because it might not ever happen if I didn’t. I began to think maybe this was my purpose, to take my journey, and use it to make the journey easier for the next generation. It also gave me something positive to focus on while I waited for the clinics to finish their back-and-forth game with me as their ping pong ball.
The final nudge I needed to launch Building Military Families Network was seeing that pitch competition. I was blown away by the support and encouragement from the MSOY community, and couldn’t believe that I was selected as a finalist, which guaranteed at least a $1,000 startup grant. I would also get to pitch to win even more money to launch this nonprofit. While I only walked away with $1,000 it was enough to build and launch a nonprofit to be the support for military family building that I, like so many others, needed on their journey.
Days after submitting our nonprofit documentation to the IRS I received word from our new clinic that they had all the documentation they needed to be able to make a decision regarding our embryos from our Illinois clinic. Finally, after almost six months since our initial appointment, we were making progress, except they said it could take another four weeks for a decision to be made. I was relieved that all the back and forth was finally over but frustrated that I still had to wait for a decision. The clock was ticking; we feared we were going to run out of time. We hoped to be able to have our next child while we were actually living near family. We knew our time was limited, and had no idea where we would be living a year from then.
Then in August 2023, we were able to schedule for our embryos to be transferred from Illinois to Pennsylvania, which comes with out-of-pocket expenses and no guarantee that they will survive the trip. All of this was so nerve-wracking, but we did our research and went with a transport company that both of our clinics recommended. We loved our clinic in Illinois and they continued to be the gold standard, in my opinion, for what a good clinic is because they provided us with notifications along the way in addition to the ones from the transport company.
Our new clinic is an example of what clinics shouldn’t do. There was no communication that they received our embryos, or even when we could call to get added to the schedule. Now, I knew they had received our embryos thanks to the transport company’s updates. I even knew that the clinic representative who we were working with had signed for them. Yet, there was no communication. At this point, I was just plain angry and disgusted with the way we were being treated as patients.
Finally, after a very busy week with my husband gone, I called our clinic to see what we do next. They seemed surprised that no one had called or sent a portal message and told me that they were full for the rest of August and September and that we could get on the schedule for October. For a second I was disappointed that we would have to wait even longer because someone at the clinic had dropped the ball. It wasn’t our fault we weren’t added to the schedule as had been discussed. Then I got angry, and I don’t mean mad, I mean blood-boiling angry. Angry that we didn’t have a choice of where we could be seen, angry at the way we were being treated – like we were just another number. I was so incredibly frustrated that after this whole ordeal to get our embryos here we had to wait even longer. I was angry at myself for being fearful and waiting to start this process.
While I found myself waiting again on this journey I had two great things happen. First, I was selected to serve as the co-chair for RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day for 2024-2025, which was a huge surprise for me. I applied at the last minute on a whim because I had been serving as the Military Taskforce Committee Lead for the last two years and knew that I would likely need to mentor a new lead. I didn’t think I was what they would be looking for. Knowing who the co-chairs were for previous years, I didn’t think I had enough experience. And as I write this I can hear at least four of them in my head telling me I am exactly the right person for that role. It’s funny sometimes how we let that doubt creep in and take hold. Once the shock wore off, and the belief in me and my fellow co-chair poured in, I embraced the new role with confidence and hope that we could make an impact.
The second great thing that happened while we waited to do our transfer was that I received the IRS approval that Building Military Families Network was officially recognized as a 501(c)3 nonprofit. This dream that had been on the back of my heart for some time, yet one I hoped someone else would do, was becoming a reality. Each step forward in this launch took me one step closer to what I now realize was the purpose of my own infertility journey, to create a space of support and empowerment for our community as they navigate their family-building journey. Both opportunities helped my anger become my purpose as I waited for October and focused on these new beginnings.