Military spouses feel isolated in general for many reasons. However, feeling isolated after having a baby is extra intense. Navigating the intense shift of early parenthood alone isn’t ideal. But as a military spouse, it is unfortunately not unheard of.
Postpartum isolation leads many spouses and first-time parents to struggle to navigate their needs while caring for their new baby.
Kelsi Shearin, an Air Force spouse, talks about her journey with postpartum isolation while her husband was deployed.
“I didn’t want to take care of myself and had no desire to leave my house. It took all I had to get up in the mornings but I had no choice,” she shared. “I went back to the doctor and again, he said this would pass since I’m adjusting without my husband home.”
Shearin, like many military spouses, struggled to talk to her husband while he was deployed due to time zones and communication.
“Postpartum depression needs to be talked about so much more, especially with our military spouses who will be alone during that crucial time! We need to be made aware of all the signs to look for to protect our mamas and babies,” Shearin said.
As for what advice she gives others, Shearin wants other military spouses deep in the trenches of postpartum isolation to know they’re not alone in what they’re feeling. Much like putting on your oxygen mask before helping others (or in this case, before tending to a newborn) military spouses need to check in with themselves first.
“Allow yourself to feel. It’s a different world in military life and we have to find a new normal,” Shearin said. “There will be days of sadness and days of happiness and all are acceptable! I made myself feel so guilty for the days I needed to just sit back and be sad… Find time for you.”
While active duty military members do get paternity leave, there are many reasons a spouse may navigate the postpartum period alone.
Their spouse is deployed or TDY
The most obvious reason for a spouse to undergo the postpartum period in isolation would be that their service member is deployed. And while this may look noteworthy in movies and books, it’s anything but glamorous.
Their spouse has a specific job where they cannot take paternity leave immediately or all at once
There are a few reasons a military spouse’s active duty member may not take paternity leave all at once or right after their baby is born. Certain jobs have requirements. Taking a large amount of time off may alter their qualifications. This might set the service member back in certain requirements for their job.
The first step is asking for help
Seeking help can feel defeating. But it does not in any way mean that you can’t handle parenthood. It just means handling parenthood in isolation is hard. Which it is!
“If there’s any advice I would give to a fellow spouse, it would be to find some type of connection,” Shearin urged. “Get involved with other spouses, a church, or see if family can visit. Don’t let (being isolated) steal your joy from meeting your blessing. That’s a moment you will never get back.”
The military offers many resources to parents wading through the trenches of postpartum.
- The New Parent Support Program. This program connects new parents with healthcare, education, and referral services.
- Local meetups or playgroups
- Squadron spouse support programs
- The Family Advocacy Clinic. The FAC offers counseling, home visits, educational services, as well as safety and parenting classes. If you feel you need help, contact the 24-hour hotline at (703) 919-1611.
- Virtual therapy
- Military OneSource – Military Family Support Center
- Child Care Programs
Dealing with new parenthood and postpartum without your spouse present is difficult. While no one should suffer postpartum isolation, this is often a commonality among military spouses. The first step is reaching out and asking for help. Find a friend or fellow spouse to lean on. Look into a resource listed above.
And don’t forget to put your oxygen mask on first so you can care for your baby.