Military spouse life can be rewarding, but it’s no secret that it also comes with its own set of challenges. While the community is often strong, there are times when it can feel a bit competitive or even judgmental. If you’ve ever been part of a group where it felt like everyone was measuring their experiences against each other, you know the feeling. But what if we could shift that energy? What if, instead of seeing each other as competition, we leaned into building a community where support, empathy, and genuine connection were at the center?
Why community matters
Being a milspouse often means starting over, whether moving to a new duty station or building new routines when your spouse off doing what they do. It’s a life full of changes and new beginnings, and sometimes it feels like you’re just getting settled when it’s time to pack up again. In the middle of all this, a supportive community isn’t just nice to have. It’s downright essential. Having people who “get it” can turn the most stressful moments into manageable ones and the happiest moments into celebrations shared with friends who feel like family.
When I first moved to Germany, I remember feeling completely overwhelmed: new country, new language, new everything. I joined a spouse group that seemed nice enough at first, but there was this sense that everyone was comparing who adjusted faster or who’d mastered German quicker. I knew right then that wasn’t the space for me. And I know some of you have been there too. It’s hard when you’re looking for support and find competition instead. But here’s the thing: comparison is a trap that gets us nowhere. It’s time to focus on supporting each other’s wins and lifting each other up, creating a community that feels like a true safe space.
Focus on collaboration, not competition
One of the best ways to shift the dynamic from competition to collaboration is to actively celebrate each other’s wins. We all have something unique to offer. Lifting up one person’s achievements doesn’t mean minimizing your own. Maybe someone in your group has started their own business, launched a new blog, or finally landed their dream remote job. Showing up to cheer them on makes a world of difference. When you genuinely support someone else’s success, it builds trust; before you know it, that energy becomes contagious.
I had a friend who found an amazing opportunity teaching English online, and she shared the entire application process with everyone in our group. She even held a little “how-to” coffee chat for those interested. Those moments of collaboration stick with you, and it’s where real community is built. So, if you’ve got a skill, knowledge, or resource that can help someone, offer it up. When you share with no strings attached, it builds connections that go deeper than surface-level friendships.
Empathy Is everything
Empathy is one of the most powerful tools we have as mil spouses. When we practice empathy, we open the door for genuine connection and understanding. Everyone’s journey is different, and even though we might not all share the same experiences, we all understand the ups and downs of military life. It’s easy to get caught up in the “my stress is worse than yours” game, but what if we approached every conversation with the mindset of truly listening and offering support?
I remember feeling homesick during my first holiday season abroad. A friend noticed and dropped off some homemade cookies, sharing her story of her first Christmas away. It was such a small gesture, but it made me feel seen and understood. It reminded me that the little things we do for each other can create lasting bonds.
Finding and creating your circle
It’s not always easy to find your group right away, especially if you’re new to a duty station. But don’t let that discourage you. Sometimes it takes a bit of time and a few meetups to find the right people. If the first group doesn’t feel like your fit, that’s okay. No rule says you have to stick with it.
And if you’ve struggled to find that supportive community, consider building it yourself. Host a potluck at your place or organize a park meetup. Keep it casual. Sometimes, those are the best ways to connect. Make the invitation open to all mil spouses, emphasizing that the gathering is about connecting, not competing. When you set the tone for inclusivity and support from the start, people notice. And before you know it, you’ve got a community built on friendship, not comparison.
The ripple effect
The more we embrace community over competition, the more others feel empowered to do the same. It’s like a ripple effect. When one mil spouse shows up with support and encouragement, it inspires others to do the same. Before you know it, you’ve got a community that’s not just surviving the ups and downs of military life but thriving. And that’s something we all want, right?