Military life does something strange to friendships. On one hand, you’ve got civilian friends who don’t quite get the constant moving, the deployments, or the weird nuances of military culture. On the other hand, you’ve got military friends who understand it all …except you’ll probably never see them again after one of you heads to your next installation. It’s this constant push-and-pull between two worlds, and somehow, you’re supposed to build meaningful connections that can survive the chaos.
I’ve been there. So many of us have. And while it can feel impossible at times, building lasting deep friendships is possible, even when you’re constantly packing up and moving on. The secret? A little bit of intention, some shared experiences, and a lot of letting go. Here’s a three-part strategy that’s helped me build friendships that feel real, even if we end up oceans apart.
Step 1: Dive Deeper from the Start
We’ve all been there: new base, new faces, and the same old small talk. Questions like “Where are you from?” or “What’s your spouse’s MOS?” are conversation starters, but they often keep interactions superficial.
To build trust early on, moving beyond the surface-level chit-chat is crucial. This doesn’t mean revealing your life story on day one, but it involves asking more meaningful questions. Instead of the usual “How long have you been here?”, consider:
- “What’s been the most surprising part of your latest PCS?”
- “What’s something you’re passionate about that you’d love to share?”
Sharing a memorable PCS story or a personal insight can set the tone for a genuine connection. I recall bonding with another spouse over our mutual challenges during an overseas move. That initial openness made us both feel understood, turning a casual encounter into the beginning of a real friendship.
Step 2: Be Intentional with Check-ins
We all know that military friendships are fluid; one moment, you’re inseparable, and the next, one of you is relocating. Staying connected requires deliberate effort. The key is making each interaction meaningful without overwhelming each other.
But here’s the thing. It doesn’t mean bombarding someone’s DMs every week. It’s more about making each interaction count. I try to be thoughtful when I reach out to friends I haven’t seen in a while. Instead of a generic “How are you?”, I might ask:
- “Hey, how’s that big project you were working on? Did it pan out the way you hoped?”
- “I just came across this meme, and it reminded me of that inside joke we had.”
These check-ins show that I’m paying attention to their life beyond the surface, and they help keep the friendship meaningful. And let’s be honest—none of us have time for constant back-and-forths. That’s why I’ve become a huge fan of asynchronous communication. Apps like Marco Polo or Voxer let me send a quick voice or video message, and my friends can respond whenever they have the time.
Step 3: Shared Experiences—Even From Afar
Distance doesn’t have to kill a friendship. In fact, some of my closest friendships have only gotten stronger after one of us PCSed. The trick is to create shared experiences, even when you’re far apart. It’s easy to feel disconnected when you’re in different time zones, but finding ways to “do things together” helps bridge that gap.
Here’s what’s worked for me:
- Virtual book clubs: My friends and I started a virtual book club. We alternate picking books that help us navigate military life, but we also dive into our favorite genres just for fun. It’s become a great way to stay connected and share something that feels substantial.
- Sync up your streaming: My favorite? Using Teleparty (formerly Netflix Party) to watch shows or movies with friends. It’s like our own long-distance movie night. We’ll chat through the movie, and it feels like we’re hanging out on the couch together, even if we’re half a world apart.
If you’re lucky enough to still be on the same base or nearby, it’s about creating low-pressure, recurring hangouts. Something as simple as a weekly coffee catch-up, being workout buddies, or cooking together once a month builds memories that last well beyond PCS.
Let Friendships Evolve
Military life inevitably transforms our relationships. It’s important to acknowledge that while some friendships will endure, others may naturally fade. This doesn’t lessen the value they once held. Being open to new connections while honoring past ones allows our friendships to adapt over time.
Be open to new friends while still honoring the old ones. Let your friendships breathe, and don’t be afraid to adjust your expectations. In some cases, distance will strengthen your bond. In others, life will naturally move you apart, and it’s important to recognize when that happens without feeling like you’ve failed.
The Real Connections Are Worth It
Friendships in the military are uniquely challenging. We’re constantly meeting new people, aware that soon enough, someone will move on. But these friendships can thrive despite the miles by fostering connections based on trust, intentional communication, and shared experiences.
With a little bit of effort, you can build deep friendships that last through the moves, the deployments, and the inevitable changes. So, go beyond the small talk, check in with intention, and keep creating shared experiences, even virtual ones. Because the friendships you make as a military spouse? They’re worth the effort.