Leaving the military is full of emotions. When we talk about emotions most often people focus on the military member. Heck, they are the ones leaving the military. Their life is the one changing. But their life isn’t the only life shaped and affected by military service. Military spouses also have experienced life connected to the military and some of those challenges and circumstances have changed them as a person as well. Because of this shared military life experience, there are bound to be emotions for the military spouse who is also leaving the military community.
This is something that isn’t discussed enough, or maybe it just isn’t something people think about. There is so much focus on the military service members’ transition that we forget to think about how military spouses are affected by transition so these are a few things to be aware of.
I am not only a military spouse, but also a veteran. And both of these identities are ingrained into who I am. When I left the military to be a military spouse and mom I thought it would be an easy shift. Little did I know that the change would be accompanied by so many unexpected emotions. So, as my husband and I inch closer to military retirement, I know the journey of military service is ending for both of us. I don’t know what emotions will come but this time I am preparing for the change and thinking about what life after the military will be like. While there will be some things unexpected coming, I can at least be prepared to know what emotions to expect and possibly why.
Here are 3 hidden emotions milspouses face when leaving the military:
You might not fit in
Military spouses have to deal with challenges many of their civilian counterparts cannot even imagine. Being alone for weeks or months and managing a family. Living far away from family. Uprooting and starting over again and again. These are challenges military spouses face, often all three when many civilian families haven’t experienced even one. This can make it hard when you leave your military community and integrate into your new civilian community where you don’t quite fit in.
Having control isn’t as easy as it looks
One of the quickest things you learn after leaving or as you leave the military is how many choices there are to make. Sometimes the frustrating choice the military made for your family pushes you to the next point and you just follow. But when you leave the military there is no longer some force controlling what happens next. You and your spouse get to decide where you live and what plans you will make. While exciting, that freedom can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially if your whole adult life has been dictated by the military.
You lose a part of yourself
Love it or hate it, you are or were a military spouse. When your spouse leaves the military that piece of you is gone. While some may jump for joy to no longer have terms like spouse, dependent, etc hanging over them, you might also find yourself questioning who you are without your connection to the military. Be ready for those emotions. It isn’t uncommon to struggle with your identity when dealing with huge life changes so take the time to reflect on who you were when you were connected to the military. Also, think about who you would like to be after your military connection is over.
Leaving the military is challenging for everyone in the family who experiences the change. If you find yourself struggling, know you are not alone in navigating this change. Utilize social media, and reach out to old friends who have gone through the transition. You might find out that the picture social media painted had real challenges hidden behind the smiling faces. Never forget, you have experienced so much and with time you will find your fit and your way forward.