On average, military children move three times more than their civilian school-aged peers. And while a PCS is difficult for everyone involved, it’s especially hard for children. Parents and caregivers help alleviate stress and emotions behind a move when they reassure their child.
There are many emotions involved when it comes time to move. By talking with your child using these conversation starters, you can help reassure them during a PCS.
“Moving is scary and overwhelming, even for grownups!”
There’s no denying it—moving is scary and overwhelming. So why not share that with our children so they know they’re not alone in their feelings? This realization and potential point of connection can lead to valuable and productive conversation.
“It feels like a lot because it is a lot.”
Again, acknowledging that this stage of life feels overwhelming isn’t a bad thing. However, reassure your child that things will settle down again soon. By addressing feelings instead of repressing them, you empower your child to work through their feelings.
“How do you want to help?”
There’s no shortage of things to do during a PCS. Sometimes, staying busy is the answer for everyone. Encourage your child to take an active role in the move by asking them how they would like to help.
“Let’s make a list of things to do when we get there and what we’re most excited about.”
Acknowledge that you and your child are going to miss your current location. But look toward the future with purpose and excitement. Encourage your child to think about the activities you’ll do and places you’ll see. Search online and make a list of specific places to visit once you get settled. By maintaining an intentional, positive attitude toward your new home, your child will become more excited too.
“Tell me your worries.”
As adults, we have the emotional regulation and brain development to process our anxieties. Much more than our children do. Encourage your child to share their specific worries with you. You don’t necessarily have to fix or address each one. But sometimes “venting” about the unknown helps, even for kids.
“It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. I’m not upset you feel this way.”
Your child needs to know they’re allowed to feel upset or worried about an upcoming PCS. Many children internalize and repress their emotions because they don’t want to upset the adults in their lives. Reassure your child that you won’t be upset if they share their feelings with you. Remind your child that it’s your job to make sure they are safe, known and loved. This includes listening to their fears about moving.
“Do you want to talk about the things you’ll miss?”
Moving involves a lot of goodbyes. A PCS means giving up people and places we’re used to. Even young children are aware of this, but don’t always know how to verbalize it. Allow your child to talk about the things they’ll miss. This is part of the process.
“We’ll bring our favorite things with us and you get to make your new space your own”
For young children, moving is an unfamiliar concept. They may not realize that everything in their home now comes with them when they PCS. It’s important to reassure your child that their toys and family will also be moving with them. Reading age-appropriate books about moving can help solidify this concept.
“We can create a memory box or picture book with all our favorite memories from our old home.”
Holding onto memories and looking back is a part of emotional processing. Military children are often forced to say goodbye to people, places and homes they’ve known for years. A way to remedy this inevitable part of military life is by creating tangible ways for them to remember. Make a scrapbook or picture book for your child to view long after your PCS. This gives them the space to talk about friends, homes and places they leave behind.
“Remember when you were nervous about _______ and it turned out to be fun?”
Children can feel reassurance by recalling something they were once worried about that turned out okay. For example, you can say, “Remember how you were nervous about meeting new friends at soccer and now you play with Sarah and Aiden?” Or “Remember when you were nervous about starting dance and now you love it?!”
Recalling these times can help children gain confidence and assurance as they approach a new or stressful time.