Being promoted comes with a lot of responsibilities. Having power over those below you, vested in you by your rank, is one of those challenges that never seems to get easier, even with time.
That being said, being picked up for promotion can also elevate you into an entirely new level of slacking off — if that’s your thing. Of course, skipping out on everything makes you a sh*tbag leader who will be the subject of much behind-the-back trash talking. That being said, there are ways of doing the things expected of a leader while deflecting the burden of minor inconveniences.
These are guidelines born from observations, but, as always, know you can only get away with that your rank can afford.
“Don’t worry, Private Snuffy. We’ll get you back up there… in a bit…”
(U.S. Army National Guard photo by Spc. Hannah Tarkelly)
You’re not slowing down, you’re “motivating the slow runners”
It happens every time during a higher-echelon run. Private Snuffy got too drunk the night before and, despite many warnings, cannot keep up with the mindbogglingly fast pace that the commander set. Instead of embarrassing yourself in front of everyone, you, as a leader, can slow down a bit to go “motivate” Private Snuffy in the back. Let’s not mention that running a bit at their pace is helping you catch your breathe.
The same could also be said for calling cadence. Think about it. After everyone turns on auto-pilot to run, they’ll fall in sync with the cadence. If you decide to take initiative and call a few cadences yourself, you can slow down your voice and everyone will instinctively slow down with you.
“It’s been a long day, let’s grab a bite to eat. My treat.”
(U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Thomas Karol)
You’re not swinging by the PX for snacks, you’re “escorting the new guy around the installation”
First impressions mean a lot. The very first kindness shown to someone will forever leave them with a positive impression of you. NCOs are often the first ones tasked with sponsoring the new person added to the unit. You’ll have to show them around, take them where they need to go, and, basically, work at their pace for a while.
You can also show them the cozier spots that they’d find eventually, like the food court at the PX or where the cheapest place to get liquor around post is — because that’s just how helpful you are.
“You don’t have your MOPP boots, Private Snuffy? You get a pass this time.”
(U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Liane Hatch)
You’re not skipping out on having your own stuff checked, you’re “busy checking others”
Not everyone is perfect at all times. Take packing list inspections, for instance. You know that those MOPP boots are bullsh*t and you probably won’t even bother taking them out of the plastic bag, but the first sergeant put them on there anyways.
Instead of having your ass chewed out for not following the packing list to the letter, you can instead not mention your own list and assist with helping the other NCOs square away the Joes.
“Oh? This will take how long? That’s not a problem.”
(U.S. Army photos by Staff Sgt. Felicia Jagdatt)
You’re not missing formation, you’re “handling business”
Ever see a Chief Warrant Officer 5 make it to a standard weekend safety brief? Even if you’re certain that they’ve got to be on the roster, you’ll never see them. That’s because they’re busy… Or so we’re told.
You could instead give a heads up to one of your peers that you won’t be making it to the BS formation beforehand by convincing them that you’re going to be “super busy” at battalion. Battalion S-1 shops are notoriously packed, so no one will bat an eye if you “just happen” to make it in time for the 100% accountability formation.
“Yep. That’s a thing. Check.”
(U.S. Air Force photo by Lt Col Max Despain)
You’re not avoiding working parties, you’re “supervising”
Even subordinates will catch on if you pull this one off lazily. Everyone is trying to lift the heavy junk out of the connex and, if you’re sitting there with your thumb up your ass, expect to get called out for your laziness if, when questioned, you simply say, “I’m making sure you’re doing the work.”
Instead, employ the oldest trick in the book and the greatest open secret in the military: Hold a clipboard and check things off. Occasionally, help lift the heavy stuff and earn a bit of admiration. It’ll look like you’re going out of your way to help. In actuality, you’re just skipping the majority of the manual labor.
“It’s good to be the king commander.”
(Department of Defense photo by Chuck Cannon)
You’re not just missing an entire day, you’re doing “Commander business”
No names, obviously, but once I saw a Lt. Colonel walk out of his office with a set of golf clubs. The staff duty NCO jokingly said, “busy day, sir?” The Lt. Colonel replied with, “ehh, the brigade commander wanted to see us. I don’t even know how to use these damn things” and proceeded to go play golf for the day. At face value, the full-bird colonel just went out for a day of golfing with his battalion commanders and no one dared to say anything about it.
Once you’re at a certain rank, the whole “check down, not up” policy will protect your ass — even as you blatantly just take a day off.