The recently formed “Literally Anyone Else” political party names the powerhouse team of – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Jocko Willink for office 2020. No, not actually, but when Willink appeared on Joe Rogan’s podcast, “The Joe Rogan Experience” earlier this month, the team was suggested, and we all got way too excited thinking about it. Walk with us down the path of what a The Rock and Jocko presidency could look like.
The Oval Office renamed Presidential Octagon
In a bold first week move, the Oval Office was immediately redesigned to suit the meeting style of the newly elected presidential team. The Resolute Desk is rumored to be replaced with a bench press, where both the president and vice president contemplate world issues while spotting an easy 425-pound set.
Unlike previous office meetings, in the new Presidential Octagon, anyone requesting a meeting must step into the ring and prove themselves worthy before any talk may take place. It has been noted that frivolous requests, unfounded complaints, and the typical garbage ideas D.C. is known for have completely disappeared from the daily schedule.
Leadership from Russia and China have entered into a “whatever you say so we don’t have to enter the Octagon” peace deal. Willink’s only comment on the matter was “good.” Johnson also made a rare statement as well saying, “Just bring it.”
Entire news segments now dedicated to discerning facial expressions and sighs from both candidates.
Due to mainstream media’s love of out-of-context soundbites, the newly elected team rarely speaks publicly. Instead, a far more effective approach of nonverbal communication has been utilized to address the nation when asked the often absurd and pointless questions from the press.
When asked what Willink thought about the state of the economy, he reportedly paused for a considerable amount of time before answering while making direct unbroken eye contact with the reporter. His only response was to cross his arms and sigh for “a very long time.” The reporter took several steps backward, thanked Willink for his response, and said, “no further questions.”
After an “abrupt” eyebrow raise from Johnson earlier this month watching an anchor report on his visit to a local school, all major news outlets immediately retracted their statements and released the most factual, unbiased reports anyone has seen on record.
Over half of congress suddenly retires after realizing the era of corruption is over.
Members of congress begin retiring in mass quantities, allowing for new leadership (with an actual pulse) to be elected. The reason for the departure remains unclear, but speculation is that it had something to do with the new 4:30 am PT schedule implemented earlier this month by Willink.
One senator, who wishes to remain anonymous, was quoted saying that, “They made us show up five days a week. Five! The last straw was cutting our unlimited vacation which was then replaced with the standard two weeks per year. Who can live like that?”
To no one’s surprise, everything from bills to legislation, to an actual balanced budget has remained on schedule.
The last remaining known corrupt members have been asked to attend a meeting with the president and vice president this Tuesday to explain the justification behind exploiting the public over their careers. It is unclear whether they will attend.
Obesity near-extinct, fast food chains “pissed” but too afraid to complain.
Gym membership at a staggering all-time high. Obesity is reportedly on the verge of extinction as Americans all compete for an early morning gym selfie spot to tag the White House Instagram in hopes either candidate will repost.
Millions of actual walls to be added to all gyms as a testament to Johnson waking up daily starting his fight against the metaphorical wall. Early injuries at CrossFit gyms reported when confused and hungry Keto members thought they were supposed to actually move the wall as a part of a new WOD.
McDonald’s CEO was seen quietly leaving the White House after losing out on the previous “Body by Big Mac” contract.
An unofficial “swear jar” solely funds Space Force annual budget when anyone mentions “SEAL teams.”
The mention of SEAL teams happened so often that a “swear jar” has been implemented nationwide. The general public uses social pressure to put a dollar in for instances like someone assuming they’ve spotted a SEAL team member hidden in the crowd. Willink alone estimated to have donated upwards of ten thousand dollars during his first 48 hours in the office reviewing existing security protocols telling everyone “In the SEAL teams we…” (puts a dollar in the jar).
Space Force is “very excited” to see the possibility of the multi-billion dollar lightsaber project becoming a reality.
All jokes aside guys, what would it take to make this happen?